Our diet starts tomorrow

Do y'all remember those YouTube videos of the guys acting like girls? They're sitting around a table talking about what they ate that day and then simultaneously they all say "our diet starts tomorrow". It's pretty funny actually. 

But this summer I let that be the running joke in my head. "Oh, I'll just crush this pizza tonight and I'll start my diet tomorrow". Yeah... I'm soooooo done with that! Gosh it's crazy to me how old habits are so hard to kick. But I'm back at it again! It's time to finish 2014 strong! And like I said two posts ago, it may be impossible to reach 40lbs this year, it doesn't mean I won't reach it within the next!! 

So my diet started today. And I ate really well, went to the gym with a friend and will be back at it again. It's like most things in life, when at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 

Ok, one last tangent for tonight-

There is this stigma that girls who are constantly trying new diets are just fooling themselves. People think it won't last and they will be eating ice cream and watching Netflix by Friday. I think that's really messed up. Instead of making girls feel like failures for taking a few steps off their diet, we should be more encouraging. So here I am- mrs. I can't stick to a diet- saying to you that it is possible, I've seen it done in a dear friend of mine.  I may have a few too many beers and a late night pizza, but that doesn't mean the desire to be healthy isn't there. 

Ladies with some meat on their bones- don't be ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are beautiful. Focus on your health and the functioning body you have and realize how blessed you are. And do yourself a favor- honor your gift and treat it well. 

to the most gracious person I knew

First, before I even start to talk about my beautiful Grandma, I want to thank everyone who has walked along side my family in the midst of our sorrow. It has truly been a blessing to see all the people who loved my grandma and who love our family. And we are so so so thankful for you. 

For those of you who knew my Grandma, you know that this is probably not going to do her justice. But I have been thinking about who she was in my life and thought I would share a little bit about her. 

My Grandma and I had a very special relationship. Most of my childhood she lived in Florida with my Grandpap (who deserves an article all to himself). They had this relationship that (even at a young age) I knew how in love they were. The way they would look at each other, the way he knew exactly how she took her drink, or when it was time to deal out the cards. You could just see that their infatuation for each other never faded. And he was truly a remarkable man. When he passed away my grandma moved up to Maryland and that is when our relationship changed. 

She is one of the most God-revering people I have ever known. And you could tell that even in the midst of doubt (which we all have) she would put her foot down and call out to her God. I guess because I was the only one in my family who shared her belief, she felt she could talk to me about it. And that was one of the greatest honors I have ever had. In her last few days on this earth I spent a lot of time beside her hospital bed praying, reading scripture, and talking about what Heaven must be like. She told me about a week before she died that she wasn't afraid to go to Heaven, just feared getting there. She told me that all she wanted was to feel the hand of Jesus holding her as she went from this world to the next. And for a while, I feared that he didn't show up, but it wasn't until her last couple hours on earth that I knew. 

I was able to spend some time alone with my grandma while she was in hospice. I prayed over her, pleading that the Lord would hold her in His arms as she was getting ready to "go home". I sobbed uncontrollably, and that was when I felt her squeeze my hand. It was one of those, "Maura, do not fear for me. I know where I am going and I am so ready to rest in the arms of my Savior". As gracefully as she lived, she died. Ask anyone who was there that day, and we would all say the exact same thing. My Grandma died around 5:30, just in time for an evening cocktail with her Jacks. She died when everyone had left hospice to shower and eat and decompress. She was waiting to leave this earth once everyone had gone, because no good Catholic Woman would die in front of her children and grandchildren. Where is the dignity in that? 

This post isn't really going in the direction that I wanted it to, but how do you talk about someone who lost two husbands and a son too early? Who raised 7 children, a school of grandchildren all the while making time for her weekly game of bridge with the ladies? Talk about the socialite. 

But I will tell you right now, this is how I know my Grandmother raised her children with the utmost respect for each other and love of family. In times like these, when the last parent dies and the property needs to be divided, funeral arrangements need to be made, parties need to be hosted; these are the moments when most families go nuts, turn on each other, yell at each other, and ruin relationships. Not my family. Not the Murtagh/Burton's. I have watched 6 kids speak to each other in respect for their mother and share their memories of "mum". Yes, we all have our moments of weakness. But we know why one person may have snapped at another, and we forgive them. Because that is exactly how Grandma raised us.

Today is her funeral. It is going to be a hard day for my family. We are all really sad. So I ask, will you pray for us. Pray that we would be okay with crying, that we would love each other in the midst of sadness, that we would feel comfortable laughing at some of the classic "mum stories". Pray that we would feel a peace that could only come from Jesus. And if you are able, raise a class to Peggy Lou. The woman who was always up for a party. 

Grandma, 

I love you and I miss you. But I know where you are. I am so thankful for you and who you were to this family. Grandma, thank you for teaching me, not just card games and golf, but teaching me how to be obedient to Jesus, how to pray even when you cant, how to be honest when you have doubt. Thank you for teaching me that you can't judge a book by its' cover, teaching me how to share with others, how to love people well, how to share the grace of Jesus with others. I can try to put in to words how you meant to me, but I wouldn't do it justice. I just want you to know that I love you, that you are a remarkable woman, that you have built a lasting legacy in your children, and that you should be so proud of us. I love you and I miss you.

-Maura Moo

Bad habits and dirty tee shirts

Hey there, I know it's been a while and a lot has happened between my last post and this one. My sister got married, summer came and went, I gained a crap ton of weight. And now we start the new school year. Fresh start, right?

Well all, I am really tired of this whole "fresh start" thing. I drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of late night pizzas this summer- which led to the demise of 40 in 14. I'm pretty disappointed in the way I have been eating and my lack of any physical activity. And I am allowed to be disappointed. Here is the thing; I believe that the way you treat your body is how you feel about yourself as a person. I stand by this wholeheartedly. 

Walk with me on this because I have a weird point- a good friend of mine recently told me if I saw my life as a dirty old tee shirt. Of which I responded, what in the world are you talking about? But she said this, if you think about your favorite shirt, the one you wear when you know you look good and feel good. Then you think if you got a huge stain on the front of that shirt, would you be disappointed? The answer, yes. But think about that old ratty work out tee with the holes in it and the caked on deodorant stains, the one you wear when you're cleaning the bathroom or painting. Would it matter if you stained that shirt? No.

So there are two ways of looking at your life. One. What's one more stain to an already gross life. And two, I have value and when I am stained I am allowed to be disappointed but I am still loved. 

So here is the point: I make mistakes. I am still learning how to grow up and take responsibility. I'm learning that the way you treat yourself matters. I'm learning that I see myself as an old dirty tee shirt but I'm not.

I have less than three months to start progressing again. No, I probably will not accomplish 40 in 14, but 20 in 14 isn't bad. I need to be healthy again. I can so clearly see the affects my diet has on my life and something needs to change. So here is to attempt number 207 of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. 

Tomorrow I will restart my journey to a healthy lifestyle: mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. 

H8ers gon h8

Top three

A good chunk of time certainly has flown by. Sorry for being MIA for a bit. 

I was in the midst of finals and wedding festivities that this thing sorta slipped to the wayside. 

Things on this end are alright though! My weight fluctuates like the Hoover Dam (I'm not totally sure that makes any sense...) but it's going! And my sisters wedding is in just a few short weeks.

But right now, I want to take time to talk about somethings I've been learning over these past couple months.

1. Hard work does pay off. 

For the first time in my life I got straight A's! I worked my butt off to do it, but it was so worth it. Also, I freaking love what I'm studying, so that definitely helps. Also for the first time I didn't quit or give in when things became difficult. I stuck with it and pushed through. Sought help when it was needed and prioritized my time. For those of you who knew me college, you would know this is a complete 180!

2. You are what you eat.

When I indulge in crappy food I feel crappy, I act crappy, I do crappy things, and I propel the crappy cycle. When I eat well, my body feels well, I make smarter decisions, and I desire to propel that cycle. Lots of beer and pizza makes me do dumb things. Though both delicious, I tend to feel like crap when I indulge in that. So, I am practicing healthier habits. Like not drinking during the week and avoiding late night snacking even when I am partaking in adult activities.

3. It's easier to see in the light.

This is the biggest and most important thing I have been learning. Recently I have decided to walk in the light with somethings I have kept buried for years. It is what propelled my self hatred, my guilt, and my shame. And as I have taken those steps to bring it to light and start to view it the way God views it, I am learning more and more how deeply loved I am. And that is HUGE. 

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully it won't be another 2 months before my next post! 

Hangry

Alrighty internet world. I have been avoiding you. But with a little encouragement from an old friend, I decided it is time to post something and to be honest. 

I was so confident when I started writing this blog. I didn't care who was going to read it. I didn't care if I repeated myself, or if all I ever talked about was Jesus. I didn't care if I posted about my defeats more than my triumphs.

Then I don't know what happened. I just got really self-conscious. People started reading and judging and I felt awkward being seen out in a restaurant, like people were always watching what I was eating. 

And that is fair, I put my crap out there in the open for people to see. I made myself available to judgement. And that's ok. That's on me. 

So here is the honest truth:

Sometimes we don't meet the goals we set for ourselves. Sometimes the things we are so passionate about can't motivate us enough to deny and obey. And that is the brokenness in us. I was hoping to be at a target weight today and I did not meet my goal by a good ten pounds. I saw it coming and instead of working really really hard this week, I just didn't. And I'm a little ashamed, honestly. This was a huge lofty goal and I quit more often then I stay disciplined. 

But, you know what? I am still proud of myself. I am actually eating better than I have ever in my life. I also feel better. 

So I tried that whole 30 thing for about 7 days. Hardest, most frustrating thing I've ever done in my life, and I was miserable. So I quit. Then I drank about 2 beers and felt like my stomach wanted to kill me. I realized that gluten legitimately is the devil and I will not be partaking (except cookies, because I love them). 

So I am working on it. It's been 4 months, I've lost 16 pounds. And I am creating healthy habits. 

And that's all I have to say about that. 

how colossians 3 kicked my butt.

Friday morning I'm laying in bed trying to figure out how much longer I can sleep before I absolutely have to get out of bed for class, (which is at 11... dont judge me) when one of my very good, God-given friends texted me asking me if I had a second to talk. So, still sleepy eyed and delusional, I said sure. She called me not even moments later to invite me on a women's retread. And I said yes. Mostly because I just felt like this was a "God thing" and I should probably go.

Now if you know me really well, you should know this about me... I am a true cynic at heart. Now, I would go into all of the things that I think are dumb, but I wont do that. My opinion on Christian bookstores and bible covers does not really matter in the grand scheme of life. But I will say, for some reason, I think women's retreats run right along the same lines as those little shepherd and sheep figurines. I think they are soooooooo cheesy. Now, this opinion comes from watching any televangelist on sunday morning tv. The whole, "let's get together, say some corny almost biblical stuff, and cry with a bunch of older women" really isn't my thing.

But God shut me up real quick. I do not know why I told my dear friend Brittany that I would drive up to New Jersey, go to a women's retreat of a church where I know no one, and stay for pretty much an entire weekend. But I did. And holy guacamole was it an unbelievably awesome weekend. (Moral of the story, don't knock it till ya try it)

So here is why this weekend was so significant. A couple days prior I called Brittany and shared some stuff that has been rotting my soul for months. And I thought maybe I was over it, maybe I had learned my lesson, and maybe I could start forgiving myself. But had I punished myself enough, yet?
Brit, being an amazing listener and friend, was very very honest with me. And I guess she felt the Spirit moving to ask me on this retreat.

The retreat was on Colossians 3:1-15. And it is about how, as someone who believes in the mercy and grace of God, how they should live their lives. It looks like a list of does and don'ts. But it is so much deeper than that. We are called to set our hearts and minds on Jesus. That is the only place where our lives will change. I have had so much guilt from things I've done in the past and I was masking it by acting like a good Christian. Threw myself into ministry, bible studies, volunteering at camps, reading and journaling, but I was just masking my guilt with Christian things. And I had no freaking idea!

Seriously, no idea. One time Jacqueline told me to stop trying and just be. And I literally could not comprehend what she was talking about. And now I get it. Just focus and relinquish control and just be. Just be.

I know this will take time and I will constantly have to remind myself that I can't do anything. It has already been done for me.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that little nugget. I have been bursting at the seams wanting to talk to someone about it, so I figure, put it on social media and someone is bound to read it.

baggy pants ain't just for the hood

So, as a few of you may know, I dropped a pant size. You know, nbd. Just down a whole freaking pant size. For anyone who has tried losing weight, you know that this is no easy feat. Also, you would know how scary it is to put the first leg in a pair of pants usually too small for you. It definitely took some cajones to see if they would fit. I was terrified, but here is how I decided maybe it was time.

The last time I looked at a scale I was in Arizona. I weighed myself 2 days in a row, which is a major no-no! Within 2 days I had gained / lossed 2 pounds. So that was weird. But I decided maybe I should stick to weigh ins once a week. Then I came home from AZ and didn't look at a scale because.. well...ladies.. there are just some weeks where we retain water a little more than any other weeks during the year/month... if you catch my drift. So I haven't looked at a scale in about 2 weeks. meh, a little less than that. So without checking the scale, I noticed a pair of pants, that I wear often, started looking a little saggy and baggy and looked terrible. So I went into my mom's room because she has a pair of mustard pants that I covet but they have always been a littttttle toooo snug. But I was thinking, "screw it! I want to wear those!" So I put them on and they fit! So not only are they a size smaller, they are mustard yellow. I don't know if she's going to get them back any time soon...

I haven't been this size in pants since early high school. But don't give me too much credit, I don't really know what size I was in high school because I wore boy pants. That was a totally self-conscious time in my life, so please don't make fun. For those who did not know me in high school, let me give you a little flash back. I wore boys pants, and not emo skinny jeans boy pants. Like men's jeans, men's polos, and sweatshirts. I'm embarrassed even talking about it.

Here is the thing. And we are about to get real. Like really real.
I hated the way I looked in girl's clothes. I hated how tight and low rise the pants were and how tight the shirts were. So, I either wore men's jeans or sweat pants. I had a big personality in high school. Loud and school spirited, and so so insecure. I acted like I had my ish together, but on the inside I feared rejection. So I took it off the table. If boys didn't look at me, then I wouldn't have to talk to them, and I wouldn't get hurt. Sad truth, but there it is.

Thankfully I am still growing out of that weird clothing fad.. hahah! I do wear girl clothes now! PTL. but I do love a good t-shirt and shorts. And I'm not ashamed of that! However, these mustard pants that I stole form my mom, that are a size smaller than I used to wear, that make my butt look fabulous (sorry fellas), I love these pants. And slowly but surely I will find my way in to my first bikini, first pair of heels, first tank top, and be confident in them.

Don't get me wrong, please don't hear me say that this whole journey is about looking "hot". That is a worldly and unhealthy perspective on what I am doing. I am working on being healthy and being happy. I know that as I continue to eat well, train for this half marathon, and stick to not smoking, I will lose weight. I am focusing on health. Spiritual, physical, and mental health. Dropping a pant size is all of those things.

Here is how it is spiritual. Physical and mental are pretty easy to see, but here is spiritual. As I lose weight and gain endorphins my spiritual state about who God has made me to be, how he loves me, how he desires for me to be healthy, that changes. I am not saying that I believe God only loves skinny people, cause thats a bold faced lie and weird. I am saying that God has a desire for his people to be healthy, and as I walk in that truth there is a light on my soul. He has allowed me to walk in to the light.

Please don't hear me say that I am losing weight or being healthy so that my insecurities will go away. That is superficial and unrealistic. I am saying that I am taking steps toward healthy living and toward freedom in Christ.




Senior year of high school:



Last week:

The mental breakdown

Yesterday marked the first day that I legitimately cried because of this new lifestyle. I guess you could say I had a slight mental breakdown. 

I freaked out because I realized that I don't look any different and my pant size is still the same. I had started to doubt why the heck I even started this stupid journey and why I would put something so hard and so personal on the freaking internet... I mean... How dumb are you!?

After a terrible run, a couple episodes of the walking dead, and a nights sleep. I woke up angry but determined. 

That determination was soon brought to light as motives that would not last. A dear friend and huge cheerleader for me, reminded me that I started this whole thing not to lose weight or look different in a mirror, but to be healthy. What I put in my body, what I eat, if I smoke, how much I exercise-- all of those things can and do affect how I feel physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

So today, I am choosing to eat healthy. I am choosing to go for a bike ride, I am choosing to read scripture. Because the things I put in my body and in my mind influence the way I live. 

When I got home from work today I found two letters in the mail from a couple of people who are dear to me. Both were letters of encouragement. They were such a blessing, so I thank you Kristen Hoover and sweet baby Rachel Guthall.

Rachel left me with a beautiful chunk of scripture that I am going to leave with you now: 

"Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need"- Hebrews 4:16

Holy crap... I could sure use some grace and mercy...

I'm coming home

As I fly across the great United States, I am so full of angst. Being away for a few days in the sunshine with two of my best friends was amazing. And it is so hard thinking about what I am going back to. 

As much as I love my family, new church, and school, it is just hard leaving a place that was easy. It was easy being with Jacqueline and Lindsay. They encourage my new journey, they tell me I'm beautiful, and they talk to me about Jesus. I mean... who would want to leave that?! 

It is hard to look on the bright side this time. It's hard to think that I still have to get through March and April before it starts to feel like summer. I have to go back to work on Monday and catch up on all the things I couldn't do last week. I am going from so easy to pretty dang hard and busy.

So here is what I have to do- I have to decide that there are things that I am looking forward to now that I am coming home. I get to have coffee in the morning and spend some time with Jesus before I go to a church that I love. I am going to hang out with my parents, who I feel like I haven't seen in months. And I can get back in to a routine.

Here are some things that I am challenging myself with as I come home.  

I am going to try so hard to do Whole 30. Which will force me to learn how to cook. And I start training for my half marathon the end of this month. 

So yes, I am coming home to a lot of tasks and chores, but like I wrote in "mentality"... This could suck if I want it to. Or it could be awesome. 

I think it's going to be awesome. 

To the bits!

Well, for those of you who do not know, I am currently in the great state of Arizona visiting one of my best friends with another one of my best friends. Jacqueline, who lives in AZ, I have known since middle school and Lindsay, law student at William & Mary, has been one of my best friends since high school. Anyway, they are two people that I know love me so deeply. When my heart hurts, I know they are praying fervently for me. And I love that so much about them.

If you haven't met the other 3 (And I'm going to hope not all 6 of us at one time) you would know we are a little much.  La, Steph, Kass, Linds, Jac, and I are an eclectic group. We all have different personalities, interests, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. But there is one thing that brings us together... we are the weirdest group of people you may ever meet. And we love it. Ok... maybe there is another one... we love Jesus.

I have changed a lot these past few months. And today Jacqueline's roommate asked me if all of these changes have made me question my friendships. And the answer is N.O. I have some of the greatest, most supportive, encouraging, beautiful, and amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. And the choices that I have made in my diet, my vices, and my faith have been so encouraged by them. It has been amazing.

Here is why I am telling you this about these beautiful people who have loved me so well through my crazy crazy years. I have a boat load of insecurities that I will not be loved. Also, it is a legitimate fear that the people who love you have the ability to leave you. People are not perfect and can be hurtful. I am sure that a lot of you can attest to this as a sad truth. And my heart breaks for you. For those who have witnessed divorce or loss of friends or break ups, my heart hurts for you. And my heart hurts because it has happened in my own life. But I am so thankful that God has protected my heart from some really tough and hard relationship losses.

I just started reading Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurities" and it is amazing to think how drastically they can affect your life. I know everyone has some insecurity, but does it define who you are? I pray that it doesn't. 

My friends have been so loving and caring through my moments of weakness. But they also are not afraid to call you out. Do you have people like that in your life?

Focus

Well my friends, when I started this whole bliggity-blog thing I promised that I would be honest. I wanted to not only share the victories but also the defeats. So, here we go. 

Since I started I had lost 12 pounds... Then I got cockey and started eating out more, drinking more, and working out less. So I gained about 6 of those back. YIKES! 

I am not going to lie, this is a hard thing to admit. But let's be honest. I lost focus. 

I guess you could say that I  "relapsed". I gave into that immediate satisfaction thing again. And when I would fail, it would be so easy for me to just keep giving in because I had already blown it. 

So here's the thing, how do I get back to business? How do I get back on the sattle and start kicking butt again? 

I need to forget the past and look forward. Fresh start. New day, new opportunity. 

I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself. I will beat myself up until I think it's fair to move on. And as someone who has a relationship with Jesus, you would think all this stuff about grace and mercy and clean slate would resonate in my heart. And I pray that it does. But for some reason I can't get past some things in my life that I've done. I throw all of these things from my past into a giant bucket and let them duke it out until one sin takes the cake and rules my life. I know that I understand the concept of Jesus, you don't have to tell me the gospel, but my heart doesn't believe that it is true for me. 

I have been talking to a dear friend, one I met in one of the toughest seasons of not only my life, but her's as well. And I thank God that we met when we did and were able to pray and talk and be with eachother. She now lives in another state, but I know I can text her any time and she will be there to listen. 

Anyway, I called her yesterday to talk some of this stuff out and it was a hard conversation. But as I think more and more about grace and my pride, I think that if I want to believe God has grace for me, I need to extend it to myself. 

So I will chose to forget the past and focus on what lies ahead. I have a tough road ahead of me, but it is time to really buckle down and get to work. 

34 more pounds to go people! Let's do the dang thing. 

Can you feel the love tonight?

In one of my favorite books/movies there is a quote that I think speaks so much truth about humankind. "We accept the love we think we deserve". I have written about this in one of my very first posts. One of the biggest hardships in my life is that I believe I am unlovable. I believe that I will never be good enough for someone, no, not just someone, but for God. (Don't worry this post does get more optimistic!!!)

I have had my fair share of crushes over the years. I've gone through all the typical stages, the bad boy (my elementary school crush), the "I will completely change who I am for you" crush, (my middle school crush), and the "I'm pretty sure he's perfect for me and we will be married and it will be awesome" crush. Now let me say this, I literally was friends with all of these people, some I still am. And I am so thankful for those friendships. They have taught me a lot about who I am. Well, maybe not my elementary school crush. My middle school crush helped me to figure out what music I like and the clothes I am comfortable in. I learned that Good Charlotte is kind of annoying and New Found Glory and Simple Plan are so nasally it's unreal. I learned that t-shirts and vans are my jam and I will always wear that because I am comfortable in it.
My high school and college crushes were a little more complex. I guess as I got older and saw all of my friends going on dates and thinking about/talking about marriage (thankfully a couple of them are married and they are perfect). But my crushes became serious. And as soon as they would come to me for dating advice for another girl, I knew it would never happen. And that was heartbreaking. I do thank God for protecting me in the midst of those. I learned a lot about what I value in a man, the things that I admire and desire to be apart of my marriage, as well as things that I don't want.

Honestly, I don't think that is a bad thing at all. I want to get married some day, and I think it is smart for me to learn from the men that have been in my life. I think of really good guy friends I have who honor the Lord in the way they live. I think about crushes I've had in the past who have desired their relationships to be a ministry. I look at some of my friend's husbands and the way they honor their wives. I hope that doesn't sound weird, I'm not tryna steal yo boi. I just want a man in my life who seeks the Lord first and can honor me and my heart too. And I have seen these qualities in some really awesome men who have been in and out of my life.

This morning I had a conversation with my mom about dating, and she said that you want to be with someone who you can be totally 100% yourself around. And she is right. I have to be comfortable with the guy I may date and marry some day. Because, I don't dress up. I barely ever wear make-up. I wear stupid thrift store t-shirts. And I like sports/I can get a little too intense when it comes to sports. I also speak in terrible accents. I always take a joke too far, where I just kill it and it is no longer funny. But these are the things that I love about myself and I will never want to change these things for anyone.

Now back to my opening statement. Do you think it's true that we accept the love we think we deserve? I'd say, yes and no. I accepted a love, I know I do not deserve. Every minute of every day I have to remind myself that God loves me. Because if I don't I will become like a paralytic who refuses to stand up. John 5, Jesus is in a very gross part of a city with a bunch of people who were outcasted because they have disabilities. Jesus stands next to a man who has been trying for years to be well and he asks him, "Do you want to be healed?" Kind of a weird question to ask a paralytic... but what if the man said no?
He would have missed out on a love he didn't deserve, but was offered to him anyway.

I think in our brokenness we believe that we accept a love that we deserve. But I think God's holiness tells us he has a love for us that we do not deserve and he is handing it to us. Now, beloved, will you choose to stand up or to continue to lay on the mat? (that is the question I need to ask myself every day).

Mentality

When I was in middle school I went to a YMCA camp with a good friend. I was not looking forward to the trip, mostly because I was an insecure middle schooler, but also because at that time in my life I was the biggest Negative Nancy you could have ever met. Before I left (I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life) my sister came into my room to offer me some uninvited advice (classic Meagan). But it was probably some of the best advice I have ever received. She said, you only get out of an experience what you put in to it. If I wanted to have a crappy time at this crappy camp, I was going to have a crappy time. But if I wanted it to be the trip of a lifetime, then it will be. Unfortunately I was too stubborn to listen to her, so I had a terrible time and I was so homesick. Granted I was 11..

The reason I tell you that story is not only because it was the best advice I had ever received but because it is absolutely 100% true of my life today. Allow me a minute to over share. For those of you who do not know about 6 years ago I found out that I have chronic depression. WHICH IS AWESOMEEEE! haha kidding. totallllly kidding. For anyone who also struggles with depression, my heart breaks for you. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I would not wish it on anyone. I go through seasons of joy and I go through seasons of terrible hopelessness.

We can honestly thank God that he has changed my heart or I would not be here today. I hope you all know that I am writing this not to receive any pity- please please pleaseeeee do not hear me saying that. I am writing it because it is a huge reason as to this years transformation. The habits I picked up fueled my self hatred and my hopelessness. I think I may have depression for the rest of my life, but why would I feed the fire. If I could do some things to help me cope like eating better and exercising, why wouldn't I?

My mentality about everything has to change or I will not succeed in this lofty goal. I have to be excited about the food I am eating or for the stupid gym full of all these people who are in wayyyy better shape than I am. I have to be a motivator for others to be healthy because if I can get excited for someone else then I can be excited for myself.

Last night I had dinner with some dear friends who I haven't seen in years. The Cruz family is one of the sweetest families I have ever met. They are so full of joy and love for one another that it is contagious. So last night, as I was getting ready to leave, Mama Cruz (new nickname, hope you don't mind... if you do, scratch that, Mrs. Cruz) told me she was reading my blog and was so excited for me. And it was so rejuvenating. These past couple weeks I had lost sight of the excitement and started focusing on the chore. I began giving in to some of those old nasty habits. But with a new month comes another chance for grace.

I lost ten pounds last month. I don't know where I lost it from, but apparently I did. So this month, I will lose another ten pounds and I will be excited.

40 in '14 will be an amazing experience if I want it to be. And I so desperately want it to be. So wish me luck, because I need it!

Also, on February 15th I go with all of my sister's beautiful bridesmaids to buy our dresses.. so this just got real!

the worst week

Kind of ironic that I wrote about immediate satisfaction last week, and yet it was probably my first week of the year that I was the worst! I did not eat well last week AT ALL! Now, I could go on and on about all the things I ate and how many deliciously terrible beers that I had consumed. But, I will not! Instead, I am going to write about getting back on the saddle. 

Like I have said in previous posts, I have the hardest time forgiving myself. I make a mistake and I wallow in self-pity until I feel like I've suffered enough and I can accept grace. (Holy cow, that was honest). But it's true, that is my thing. And it is going to be such a hard habit to break. Harder than not smoking. Harder than not eating crappy foods. And harder than motivating myself to go to the gym. 

But you know the worst part about this habit is that it actually slaps Jesus in the face. It's basically me saying, "nope, you dying on a cross for my self satisfaction is not a real thing and I deserve to suffer for my mistakes". When all Jesus wants us to know is, "nope, I suffered on a cross so you would not have to wallow in self pity. So that you can stand up, brush yourself off, and trust me". 

So today, after a night where I are the most delicious chocolate eclair, I am heading to the gym for a good work out. Then I am going to church, to worship the God who calls me out of suffering and into His grace. 

Can't get no satisfaction

Satisfaction is an interesting word if you really think about. Some people are "satisfied" by things that others aren't. But is it real satisfaction if the thing we desire most is fleeting. Where does true satisfaction come from? What is true satisfaction? 

As a person who has been and probably always will seek immediate satisfaction, I can tell you many of the things I thought I desired were not satisfying. Take for instance food. Yes, obvious for me and this blog, but go with me on this. Food was my comfort. I felt insecure so I ate. I hated feeling left out so I ate. I was bored so I ate. To quote the infamous Fat Bastard, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat". Yes, I went there. But this is actually true story. I sought my satisfaction in food. And when that didn't satisfy me anymore, I would smoke. And when that didn't satisfy.. the list goes on. 

I am notorious for seeking immediate satisfaction. And if these last three/four weeks have taught me anything it's that there is a thin line when it comes to living in the "now". Experiencing life as richly as possible by enjoying where you are and what God is teaching you in this moment is a beautiful thing. But self-indulging and bingeing in the "you only live once" mentality is dangerous. The choices you make today could affect the rest of your life. That does sound ominous, but my many days of destroying a bag of Doritos has directly affected my weight and health concerns. Smoking cigarettes because YOLO!!! could lead to cancer and have serious affects on my family and friends. 

These few weeks have taught me to be patient with myself and to focus on the goal. Though a long way off, the choices I make today will affect the weight I lose.

So if immediate satisfaction and even long term satisfaction are fleeting, where does true satisfaction come from? This makes me think of my favorite story ever told. It's of the Samaritan woman at the well. By far my favorite part of scripture. 

"Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again". 

I'm sorry if this post came off crazy serious, it's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately. 

Stay classy San Diego! 

the great victory!

Tonight was good. It was really good. Tonight, for the first time in my life, I had a conversation with my mom about my weight and I didn't leave the conversation upset. Now, let me clarify! It is not my mom who made me upset, it has always been my weight and insecurities. My mom and I disagree on a few things, and honestly... most of the time her opinion has not been welcomed. (Sorry mom!!!!)  But she does love me and wants the best for me. And after many years, I am starting to understand the way she loves me. She inserts her opinion because she doesn't want me to be unhealthy, or broke, or unhappy. The only reason why it's been difficult for us is because of my indepence and my "live and learn" mentality. But she means the best. 

Now let me tell you about the conversation! We talked about me forming healthy habits. Like packing my lunch, going to the gym, and eating fruits and vegetables. We talked about the long term goal of being healthy-- not just physically but mentally and spiritually. She asked me how I was doing with the mental part of dieting. And I'll tell you, there is definitely a mental battle that comes with forming healthy habits. 

For those of you who know me best, you would know that I have a tendancy to quit. Something gets challenging and I drop it like a hot cake (which sounds so yummy right now). So for the first time in my life I have stuck to my guns and I'm fighting for what is good for me. Also, if you know me well, you would know that there are somethings that are very hard for me to talk about. And weight is one of those things. 

With that being said, I am so thankful for this blog and the numerous people who have reached out to talk to me about it. It has been so good for me to talk about my weight and about the demons I face with it. Also, please don't hesitate to ask me any questions! And also don't hesitate to tell me to can it if I talk about it too much! (I am expecting a lot of sarcastic remarks after saying that...)

Tonight was a huge victory! A hugeee victory and I hope you will join me in rejoicing! 

Feelin good

Why hello there!

So I thought I'd give a little update as to how I'm doing with this whole losing weight thing. 

It's about 11 days in and I've dropped 3 pounds. Now, to some that may seem like a defeat, I should have atleast dropped 30 by now? (Well, that's how I feel anyway..) haha no! I'm so excited about this! Three pounds in 11 days is good. I'm being healthy and I'm getting into the swing of working out. The adjustment to my diet has been good. However I am craving Chick-fil-a like it is nobody's business. I am also getting tired of eating water-based foods like vegetables and fruit, but it's still going well. 

I've realized that these past couple weeks have been sorta like a detox from fat. My whole life I have loved fatty foods. Anything loaded with grease and cheese- ohhhh man gimme dat. So I have certainly been going through withdrawal. I get cravings, I'm cranky, and all I want is an oatmeal cream pie. Like an addict in rehab, I am detoxing my body. I know that sounds nuts, but I imagine that's exactly how it feels

 I will say this though, I feel so good. My body isn't as tired, I don't feel achy or weighed down. I am getting natural sugars and actual real vitamins. 

Now I would like to talk about something else... Change. This has been a very very big theme so far in 2014. I have gone most of my life eating crappy, not really exercising, and indulging in other immediate "highs" (I think that's the best word to describe it). 

I have personally seen the affects of pour health. When I was in high school my uncle died of lung cancer, my granny had diabetes, and currently my grandma hacks up a lung everytime she coughs. There is one more change I need to make this year, and I am going to confess it, right here, right now. I am going to quit one more thing. Some of you do not know this about me, so it's hard for me to write it out. But since I was 12 years old, I have been smoking cigarettes. Yes, nasty habit, I know (I said that in an English accent btdubs). But like I wrote before, I did what I want when I wanted. And I have seen the terrible affects smoking has on health. So please, no lectures- I know. I know. I grew up around it and it has never bothered me. But I am quitting. 

So, like I said, Change is going to kick my butt this year, but it is time. 

Y'all are great! And thanks for stopping by! 

So long insecurities... my butt!

I will just go ahead and tell you right now, one of the hardest things for me to believe is that I was made perfectly by a Creator and he loves me. 

I have been involved in ministry and have come to know Christ for about 9 years (9 years in June). And I still do not believe that I am good enough for God. I can tell anyone that God loves them, cherishes them, created them, and desires them--but not me. Which is crazy and something I have been working through last year and currently and probably every single day for the rest of my earthly life. 

You know, I have started on this journey in hopes of being fit and healthy and happy. I have never liked the way I look and I was/am reminded of it every day. So this has slowly become more and more about me and my insecurities. And that is where the dirty devil wants to swoop in and make this a control thing. It's day 5 and I don't feel or look any different. And in that twisted little demon's mind, he wants me to give up and believe I'll never be able to accomplish my goal. Now, I am most definitely only writing this post for me. MAURA, YOU WILL NOT LOOK DIFFERENT IN 5 DAYS. Also... Maura, you are beautiful because you were perfectly and carefully created by the God who created sunrises and sunsets. 

This isn't about me. I mean it sorta is, but it's about being confident in who God made me to be. And desiring to strengthen the gift of a body where all of the parts work. 

And that makes me think about the beautiful ministry of Capernaum and the work my dear friends are doing with people who have disabilities. You guys are awesome. 

Anyway, that's it. I know it's a lot of rambling, but now you understand a little bit about how I think. 

God is good and he loves me. Why? Because he knitted me together.

Twenty-thirteen

First of all I want to thank all of you for all of the support! It really has been encouraging and very motivating. I'll say this, it's day 2 and I'm grumpy because all I want are buffalo wings and pizza... But I'm going to find some cool recipes for healthy alternatives.

However, today in this post, I would like to take sometime to reflect on 2013. And I will say this, I AM SO GLAD IT IS OVER. It was a tough year and I had to deal with a lot of shame and guilt. But The Lord was so good to me! He surrounded me with people who were praying for me. And he surprised me with an unbelievable friend. It was around this time last year that my friendship with Mandi (a coworker of mine) blossomed. And it was surprising because you couldn't find two people from two different places in life, who had so much in common. Mostly just our ridiculous sense of humor. The sweetest part about this year and our friendship is that she asked me to be a bridesmaid on New Years Eve. SO SWEET!! 

Anyway, last year my resolution was to go on more adventures. And I would say I more than succeeded in that! I started off by finding local gems around Baltimore city. I spent time in Fells Point and Harbor East. Then I took my adventure west. I visited my best friend, Jacqueline, in Arizona which was fantastic. Then I went on a weekend trip to Seattle a few months later. 

The greatest thing about adventures are that they are so personal. I get to decide whatever I want to be labeled as an adventure. And I crushed it! 

But back to the toughness of 2013. I have never struggled so much in my faith. I believed so many lies about myself and about God. But like I said before, some great friends surrounded me and prayed so hard for me. And I am so grateful for that!! 

Those people helped me recognize that; God actually has an unrelenting desire for my heart and unconditional grace and mercy. I am not good enough, I never will be, but He loves me anyway. And I plan on taking this knowledge with me as I start my new endeavor this year. 

A good guy friend of mine texted me yesterday and said something that was so cool! He described his experience with exercise as a renewing of mind and spirit. 

For girls especially, food is a struggle. And I am going to need The Lord to remind me that he loves me as I am. I don't need to look a certain way. I need to pray that I would constantly bring my insecurities and any doubts before The Lord. 

Anyway, long post. But that was 2013 and it's affects on 2014! 

Rock on with ya bad self! 

This is Seattle! 

The Zona! 

And friggity Fells Point! 

40 in '14

Well, happy new year friends!

This is going to be a good one, I can feel it in my bones. This year my sister is getting married and I have the honor of being her MOH. And I couldn't be more excited! I will say this though, one of the most challenging parts of being in this wedding, like any other wedding, is finding the perfect bridesmaid dresses. Now, I know this is a challenge for every wedding party, but it has been especially challenging to me. I have an interesting body type. And I always have. I am short and stocky (to say the least...the very least). And for so many years of my life, like many other women, I have struggled with body image and self worth. I have tried dieting and exercise, but would quit when I wasn't getting results (or if someone bought a pizza...). 

I digress, the challenge of finding the perfect dress to hide my "curves" has left me feeling a way I have never felt before. I hate shopping, I get defeated and it fuels my self-hatred. But these last few shopping trips have left me more motivated than ever. This year, I will lose 40 pounds, and I will look fabulous! 

So here is my goal: I am going to lose forty pounds and by this summer I will buy my first bikini. I will wear a dress in my sisters wedding, and feel confident in my own skin. 

Here is my game plan: I have joined weight watchers and my family has decided to do a "Biggest Loser" competition. I also will be working out 5 days a week.

Here is why I am writing this blog: I will be held accountable. And I would love for your feedback. And honestly, your encouragement. I would love to get tips on what works for you! But also, I want to show people that obesity and self worth are a real challenge for people. And I am willing to post my weaknesses. Because us "husky" folks need a little lovin too! 

I hope you would join the fight with me as I go from fat to fit. 

Peace, love, and joy to you all! 

This is me on 12-22-13. I am on the far right trying to pull of the "skinny arm"