The last time I looked at a scale I was in Arizona. I weighed myself 2 days in a row, which is a major no-no! Within 2 days I had gained / lossed 2 pounds. So that was weird. But I decided maybe I should stick to weigh ins once a week. Then I came home from AZ and didn't look at a scale because.. well...ladies.. there are just some weeks where we retain water a little more than any other weeks during the year/month... if you catch my drift. So I haven't looked at a scale in about 2 weeks. meh, a little less than that. So without checking the scale, I noticed a pair of pants, that I wear often, started looking a little saggy and baggy and looked terrible. So I went into my mom's room because she has a pair of mustard pants that I covet but they have always been a littttttle toooo snug. But I was thinking, "screw it! I want to wear those!" So I put them on and they fit! So not only are they a size smaller, they are mustard yellow. I don't know if she's going to get them back any time soon...
I haven't been this size in pants since early high school. But don't give me too much credit, I don't really know what size I was in high school because I wore boy pants. That was a totally self-conscious time in my life, so please don't make fun. For those who did not know me in high school, let me give you a little flash back. I wore boys pants, and not emo skinny jeans boy pants. Like men's jeans, men's polos, and sweatshirts. I'm embarrassed even talking about it.
Here is the thing. And we are about to get real. Like really real.
I hated the way I looked in girl's clothes. I hated how tight and low rise the pants were and how tight the shirts were. So, I either wore men's jeans or sweat pants. I had a big personality in high school. Loud and school spirited, and so so insecure. I acted like I had my ish together, but on the inside I feared rejection. So I took it off the table. If boys didn't look at me, then I wouldn't have to talk to them, and I wouldn't get hurt. Sad truth, but there it is.
Thankfully I am still growing out of that weird clothing fad.. hahah! I do wear girl clothes now! PTL. but I do love a good t-shirt and shorts. And I'm not ashamed of that! However, these mustard pants that I stole form my mom, that are a size smaller than I used to wear, that make my butt look fabulous (sorry fellas), I love these pants. And slowly but surely I will find my way in to my first bikini, first pair of heels, first tank top, and be confident in them.
Don't get me wrong, please don't hear me say that this whole journey is about looking "hot". That is a worldly and unhealthy perspective on what I am doing. I am working on being healthy and being happy. I know that as I continue to eat well, train for this half marathon, and stick to not smoking, I will lose weight. I am focusing on health. Spiritual, physical, and mental health. Dropping a pant size is all of those things.
Here is how it is spiritual. Physical and mental are pretty easy to see, but here is spiritual. As I lose weight and gain endorphins my spiritual state about who God has made me to be, how he loves me, how he desires for me to be healthy, that changes. I am not saying that I believe God only loves skinny people, cause thats a bold faced lie and weird. I am saying that God has a desire for his people to be healthy, and as I walk in that truth there is a light on my soul. He has allowed me to walk in to the light.
Please don't hear me say that I am losing weight or being healthy so that my insecurities will go away. That is superficial and unrealistic. I am saying that I am taking steps toward healthy living and toward freedom in Christ.
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