Focus

Well my friends, when I started this whole bliggity-blog thing I promised that I would be honest. I wanted to not only share the victories but also the defeats. So, here we go. 

Since I started I had lost 12 pounds... Then I got cockey and started eating out more, drinking more, and working out less. So I gained about 6 of those back. YIKES! 

I am not going to lie, this is a hard thing to admit. But let's be honest. I lost focus. 

I guess you could say that I  "relapsed". I gave into that immediate satisfaction thing again. And when I would fail, it would be so easy for me to just keep giving in because I had already blown it. 

So here's the thing, how do I get back to business? How do I get back on the sattle and start kicking butt again? 

I need to forget the past and look forward. Fresh start. New day, new opportunity. 

I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself. I will beat myself up until I think it's fair to move on. And as someone who has a relationship with Jesus, you would think all this stuff about grace and mercy and clean slate would resonate in my heart. And I pray that it does. But for some reason I can't get past some things in my life that I've done. I throw all of these things from my past into a giant bucket and let them duke it out until one sin takes the cake and rules my life. I know that I understand the concept of Jesus, you don't have to tell me the gospel, but my heart doesn't believe that it is true for me. 

I have been talking to a dear friend, one I met in one of the toughest seasons of not only my life, but her's as well. And I thank God that we met when we did and were able to pray and talk and be with eachother. She now lives in another state, but I know I can text her any time and she will be there to listen. 

Anyway, I called her yesterday to talk some of this stuff out and it was a hard conversation. But as I think more and more about grace and my pride, I think that if I want to believe God has grace for me, I need to extend it to myself. 

So I will chose to forget the past and focus on what lies ahead. I have a tough road ahead of me, but it is time to really buckle down and get to work. 

34 more pounds to go people! Let's do the dang thing.