Hangry

Alrighty internet world. I have been avoiding you. But with a little encouragement from an old friend, I decided it is time to post something and to be honest. 

I was so confident when I started writing this blog. I didn't care who was going to read it. I didn't care if I repeated myself, or if all I ever talked about was Jesus. I didn't care if I posted about my defeats more than my triumphs.

Then I don't know what happened. I just got really self-conscious. People started reading and judging and I felt awkward being seen out in a restaurant, like people were always watching what I was eating. 

And that is fair, I put my crap out there in the open for people to see. I made myself available to judgement. And that's ok. That's on me. 

So here is the honest truth:

Sometimes we don't meet the goals we set for ourselves. Sometimes the things we are so passionate about can't motivate us enough to deny and obey. And that is the brokenness in us. I was hoping to be at a target weight today and I did not meet my goal by a good ten pounds. I saw it coming and instead of working really really hard this week, I just didn't. And I'm a little ashamed, honestly. This was a huge lofty goal and I quit more often then I stay disciplined. 

But, you know what? I am still proud of myself. I am actually eating better than I have ever in my life. I also feel better. 

So I tried that whole 30 thing for about 7 days. Hardest, most frustrating thing I've ever done in my life, and I was miserable. So I quit. Then I drank about 2 beers and felt like my stomach wanted to kill me. I realized that gluten legitimately is the devil and I will not be partaking (except cookies, because I love them). 

So I am working on it. It's been 4 months, I've lost 16 pounds. And I am creating healthy habits. 

And that's all I have to say about that.