how colossians 3 kicked my butt.

Friday morning I'm laying in bed trying to figure out how much longer I can sleep before I absolutely have to get out of bed for class, (which is at 11... dont judge me) when one of my very good, God-given friends texted me asking me if I had a second to talk. So, still sleepy eyed and delusional, I said sure. She called me not even moments later to invite me on a women's retread. And I said yes. Mostly because I just felt like this was a "God thing" and I should probably go.

Now if you know me really well, you should know this about me... I am a true cynic at heart. Now, I would go into all of the things that I think are dumb, but I wont do that. My opinion on Christian bookstores and bible covers does not really matter in the grand scheme of life. But I will say, for some reason, I think women's retreats run right along the same lines as those little shepherd and sheep figurines. I think they are soooooooo cheesy. Now, this opinion comes from watching any televangelist on sunday morning tv. The whole, "let's get together, say some corny almost biblical stuff, and cry with a bunch of older women" really isn't my thing.

But God shut me up real quick. I do not know why I told my dear friend Brittany that I would drive up to New Jersey, go to a women's retreat of a church where I know no one, and stay for pretty much an entire weekend. But I did. And holy guacamole was it an unbelievably awesome weekend. (Moral of the story, don't knock it till ya try it)

So here is why this weekend was so significant. A couple days prior I called Brittany and shared some stuff that has been rotting my soul for months. And I thought maybe I was over it, maybe I had learned my lesson, and maybe I could start forgiving myself. But had I punished myself enough, yet?
Brit, being an amazing listener and friend, was very very honest with me. And I guess she felt the Spirit moving to ask me on this retreat.

The retreat was on Colossians 3:1-15. And it is about how, as someone who believes in the mercy and grace of God, how they should live their lives. It looks like a list of does and don'ts. But it is so much deeper than that. We are called to set our hearts and minds on Jesus. That is the only place where our lives will change. I have had so much guilt from things I've done in the past and I was masking it by acting like a good Christian. Threw myself into ministry, bible studies, volunteering at camps, reading and journaling, but I was just masking my guilt with Christian things. And I had no freaking idea!

Seriously, no idea. One time Jacqueline told me to stop trying and just be. And I literally could not comprehend what she was talking about. And now I get it. Just focus and relinquish control and just be. Just be.

I know this will take time and I will constantly have to remind myself that I can't do anything. It has already been done for me.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that little nugget. I have been bursting at the seams wanting to talk to someone about it, so I figure, put it on social media and someone is bound to read it.

baggy pants ain't just for the hood

So, as a few of you may know, I dropped a pant size. You know, nbd. Just down a whole freaking pant size. For anyone who has tried losing weight, you know that this is no easy feat. Also, you would know how scary it is to put the first leg in a pair of pants usually too small for you. It definitely took some cajones to see if they would fit. I was terrified, but here is how I decided maybe it was time.

The last time I looked at a scale I was in Arizona. I weighed myself 2 days in a row, which is a major no-no! Within 2 days I had gained / lossed 2 pounds. So that was weird. But I decided maybe I should stick to weigh ins once a week. Then I came home from AZ and didn't look at a scale because.. well...ladies.. there are just some weeks where we retain water a little more than any other weeks during the year/month... if you catch my drift. So I haven't looked at a scale in about 2 weeks. meh, a little less than that. So without checking the scale, I noticed a pair of pants, that I wear often, started looking a little saggy and baggy and looked terrible. So I went into my mom's room because she has a pair of mustard pants that I covet but they have always been a littttttle toooo snug. But I was thinking, "screw it! I want to wear those!" So I put them on and they fit! So not only are they a size smaller, they are mustard yellow. I don't know if she's going to get them back any time soon...

I haven't been this size in pants since early high school. But don't give me too much credit, I don't really know what size I was in high school because I wore boy pants. That was a totally self-conscious time in my life, so please don't make fun. For those who did not know me in high school, let me give you a little flash back. I wore boys pants, and not emo skinny jeans boy pants. Like men's jeans, men's polos, and sweatshirts. I'm embarrassed even talking about it.

Here is the thing. And we are about to get real. Like really real.
I hated the way I looked in girl's clothes. I hated how tight and low rise the pants were and how tight the shirts were. So, I either wore men's jeans or sweat pants. I had a big personality in high school. Loud and school spirited, and so so insecure. I acted like I had my ish together, but on the inside I feared rejection. So I took it off the table. If boys didn't look at me, then I wouldn't have to talk to them, and I wouldn't get hurt. Sad truth, but there it is.

Thankfully I am still growing out of that weird clothing fad.. hahah! I do wear girl clothes now! PTL. but I do love a good t-shirt and shorts. And I'm not ashamed of that! However, these mustard pants that I stole form my mom, that are a size smaller than I used to wear, that make my butt look fabulous (sorry fellas), I love these pants. And slowly but surely I will find my way in to my first bikini, first pair of heels, first tank top, and be confident in them.

Don't get me wrong, please don't hear me say that this whole journey is about looking "hot". That is a worldly and unhealthy perspective on what I am doing. I am working on being healthy and being happy. I know that as I continue to eat well, train for this half marathon, and stick to not smoking, I will lose weight. I am focusing on health. Spiritual, physical, and mental health. Dropping a pant size is all of those things.

Here is how it is spiritual. Physical and mental are pretty easy to see, but here is spiritual. As I lose weight and gain endorphins my spiritual state about who God has made me to be, how he loves me, how he desires for me to be healthy, that changes. I am not saying that I believe God only loves skinny people, cause thats a bold faced lie and weird. I am saying that God has a desire for his people to be healthy, and as I walk in that truth there is a light on my soul. He has allowed me to walk in to the light.

Please don't hear me say that I am losing weight or being healthy so that my insecurities will go away. That is superficial and unrealistic. I am saying that I am taking steps toward healthy living and toward freedom in Christ.




Senior year of high school:



Last week:

The mental breakdown

Yesterday marked the first day that I legitimately cried because of this new lifestyle. I guess you could say I had a slight mental breakdown. 

I freaked out because I realized that I don't look any different and my pant size is still the same. I had started to doubt why the heck I even started this stupid journey and why I would put something so hard and so personal on the freaking internet... I mean... How dumb are you!?

After a terrible run, a couple episodes of the walking dead, and a nights sleep. I woke up angry but determined. 

That determination was soon brought to light as motives that would not last. A dear friend and huge cheerleader for me, reminded me that I started this whole thing not to lose weight or look different in a mirror, but to be healthy. What I put in my body, what I eat, if I smoke, how much I exercise-- all of those things can and do affect how I feel physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

So today, I am choosing to eat healthy. I am choosing to go for a bike ride, I am choosing to read scripture. Because the things I put in my body and in my mind influence the way I live. 

When I got home from work today I found two letters in the mail from a couple of people who are dear to me. Both were letters of encouragement. They were such a blessing, so I thank you Kristen Hoover and sweet baby Rachel Guthall.

Rachel left me with a beautiful chunk of scripture that I am going to leave with you now: 

"Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need"- Hebrews 4:16

Holy crap... I could sure use some grace and mercy...

I'm coming home

As I fly across the great United States, I am so full of angst. Being away for a few days in the sunshine with two of my best friends was amazing. And it is so hard thinking about what I am going back to. 

As much as I love my family, new church, and school, it is just hard leaving a place that was easy. It was easy being with Jacqueline and Lindsay. They encourage my new journey, they tell me I'm beautiful, and they talk to me about Jesus. I mean... who would want to leave that?! 

It is hard to look on the bright side this time. It's hard to think that I still have to get through March and April before it starts to feel like summer. I have to go back to work on Monday and catch up on all the things I couldn't do last week. I am going from so easy to pretty dang hard and busy.

So here is what I have to do- I have to decide that there are things that I am looking forward to now that I am coming home. I get to have coffee in the morning and spend some time with Jesus before I go to a church that I love. I am going to hang out with my parents, who I feel like I haven't seen in months. And I can get back in to a routine.

Here are some things that I am challenging myself with as I come home.  

I am going to try so hard to do Whole 30. Which will force me to learn how to cook. And I start training for my half marathon the end of this month. 

So yes, I am coming home to a lot of tasks and chores, but like I wrote in "mentality"... This could suck if I want it to. Or it could be awesome. 

I think it's going to be awesome. 

To the bits!

Well, for those of you who do not know, I am currently in the great state of Arizona visiting one of my best friends with another one of my best friends. Jacqueline, who lives in AZ, I have known since middle school and Lindsay, law student at William & Mary, has been one of my best friends since high school. Anyway, they are two people that I know love me so deeply. When my heart hurts, I know they are praying fervently for me. And I love that so much about them.

If you haven't met the other 3 (And I'm going to hope not all 6 of us at one time) you would know we are a little much.  La, Steph, Kass, Linds, Jac, and I are an eclectic group. We all have different personalities, interests, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. But there is one thing that brings us together... we are the weirdest group of people you may ever meet. And we love it. Ok... maybe there is another one... we love Jesus.

I have changed a lot these past few months. And today Jacqueline's roommate asked me if all of these changes have made me question my friendships. And the answer is N.O. I have some of the greatest, most supportive, encouraging, beautiful, and amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. And the choices that I have made in my diet, my vices, and my faith have been so encouraged by them. It has been amazing.

Here is why I am telling you this about these beautiful people who have loved me so well through my crazy crazy years. I have a boat load of insecurities that I will not be loved. Also, it is a legitimate fear that the people who love you have the ability to leave you. People are not perfect and can be hurtful. I am sure that a lot of you can attest to this as a sad truth. And my heart breaks for you. For those who have witnessed divorce or loss of friends or break ups, my heart hurts for you. And my heart hurts because it has happened in my own life. But I am so thankful that God has protected my heart from some really tough and hard relationship losses.

I just started reading Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurities" and it is amazing to think how drastically they can affect your life. I know everyone has some insecurity, but does it define who you are? I pray that it doesn't. 

My friends have been so loving and caring through my moments of weakness. But they also are not afraid to call you out. Do you have people like that in your life?