Mentality

When I was in middle school I went to a YMCA camp with a good friend. I was not looking forward to the trip, mostly because I was an insecure middle schooler, but also because at that time in my life I was the biggest Negative Nancy you could have ever met. Before I left (I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life) my sister came into my room to offer me some uninvited advice (classic Meagan). But it was probably some of the best advice I have ever received. She said, you only get out of an experience what you put in to it. If I wanted to have a crappy time at this crappy camp, I was going to have a crappy time. But if I wanted it to be the trip of a lifetime, then it will be. Unfortunately I was too stubborn to listen to her, so I had a terrible time and I was so homesick. Granted I was 11..

The reason I tell you that story is not only because it was the best advice I had ever received but because it is absolutely 100% true of my life today. Allow me a minute to over share. For those of you who do not know about 6 years ago I found out that I have chronic depression. WHICH IS AWESOMEEEE! haha kidding. totallllly kidding. For anyone who also struggles with depression, my heart breaks for you. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I would not wish it on anyone. I go through seasons of joy and I go through seasons of terrible hopelessness.

We can honestly thank God that he has changed my heart or I would not be here today. I hope you all know that I am writing this not to receive any pity- please please pleaseeeee do not hear me saying that. I am writing it because it is a huge reason as to this years transformation. The habits I picked up fueled my self hatred and my hopelessness. I think I may have depression for the rest of my life, but why would I feed the fire. If I could do some things to help me cope like eating better and exercising, why wouldn't I?

My mentality about everything has to change or I will not succeed in this lofty goal. I have to be excited about the food I am eating or for the stupid gym full of all these people who are in wayyyy better shape than I am. I have to be a motivator for others to be healthy because if I can get excited for someone else then I can be excited for myself.

Last night I had dinner with some dear friends who I haven't seen in years. The Cruz family is one of the sweetest families I have ever met. They are so full of joy and love for one another that it is contagious. So last night, as I was getting ready to leave, Mama Cruz (new nickname, hope you don't mind... if you do, scratch that, Mrs. Cruz) told me she was reading my blog and was so excited for me. And it was so rejuvenating. These past couple weeks I had lost sight of the excitement and started focusing on the chore. I began giving in to some of those old nasty habits. But with a new month comes another chance for grace.

I lost ten pounds last month. I don't know where I lost it from, but apparently I did. So this month, I will lose another ten pounds and I will be excited.

40 in '14 will be an amazing experience if I want it to be. And I so desperately want it to be. So wish me luck, because I need it!

Also, on February 15th I go with all of my sister's beautiful bridesmaids to buy our dresses.. so this just got real!