the worst week

Kind of ironic that I wrote about immediate satisfaction last week, and yet it was probably my first week of the year that I was the worst! I did not eat well last week AT ALL! Now, I could go on and on about all the things I ate and how many deliciously terrible beers that I had consumed. But, I will not! Instead, I am going to write about getting back on the saddle. 

Like I have said in previous posts, I have the hardest time forgiving myself. I make a mistake and I wallow in self-pity until I feel like I've suffered enough and I can accept grace. (Holy cow, that was honest). But it's true, that is my thing. And it is going to be such a hard habit to break. Harder than not smoking. Harder than not eating crappy foods. And harder than motivating myself to go to the gym. 

But you know the worst part about this habit is that it actually slaps Jesus in the face. It's basically me saying, "nope, you dying on a cross for my self satisfaction is not a real thing and I deserve to suffer for my mistakes". When all Jesus wants us to know is, "nope, I suffered on a cross so you would not have to wallow in self pity. So that you can stand up, brush yourself off, and trust me". 

So today, after a night where I are the most delicious chocolate eclair, I am heading to the gym for a good work out. Then I am going to church, to worship the God who calls me out of suffering and into His grace. 

Can't get no satisfaction

Satisfaction is an interesting word if you really think about. Some people are "satisfied" by things that others aren't. But is it real satisfaction if the thing we desire most is fleeting. Where does true satisfaction come from? What is true satisfaction? 

As a person who has been and probably always will seek immediate satisfaction, I can tell you many of the things I thought I desired were not satisfying. Take for instance food. Yes, obvious for me and this blog, but go with me on this. Food was my comfort. I felt insecure so I ate. I hated feeling left out so I ate. I was bored so I ate. To quote the infamous Fat Bastard, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat". Yes, I went there. But this is actually true story. I sought my satisfaction in food. And when that didn't satisfy me anymore, I would smoke. And when that didn't satisfy.. the list goes on. 

I am notorious for seeking immediate satisfaction. And if these last three/four weeks have taught me anything it's that there is a thin line when it comes to living in the "now". Experiencing life as richly as possible by enjoying where you are and what God is teaching you in this moment is a beautiful thing. But self-indulging and bingeing in the "you only live once" mentality is dangerous. The choices you make today could affect the rest of your life. That does sound ominous, but my many days of destroying a bag of Doritos has directly affected my weight and health concerns. Smoking cigarettes because YOLO!!! could lead to cancer and have serious affects on my family and friends. 

These few weeks have taught me to be patient with myself and to focus on the goal. Though a long way off, the choices I make today will affect the weight I lose.

So if immediate satisfaction and even long term satisfaction are fleeting, where does true satisfaction come from? This makes me think of my favorite story ever told. It's of the Samaritan woman at the well. By far my favorite part of scripture. 

"Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again". 

I'm sorry if this post came off crazy serious, it's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately. 

Stay classy San Diego! 

the great victory!

Tonight was good. It was really good. Tonight, for the first time in my life, I had a conversation with my mom about my weight and I didn't leave the conversation upset. Now, let me clarify! It is not my mom who made me upset, it has always been my weight and insecurities. My mom and I disagree on a few things, and honestly... most of the time her opinion has not been welcomed. (Sorry mom!!!!)  But she does love me and wants the best for me. And after many years, I am starting to understand the way she loves me. She inserts her opinion because she doesn't want me to be unhealthy, or broke, or unhappy. The only reason why it's been difficult for us is because of my indepence and my "live and learn" mentality. But she means the best. 

Now let me tell you about the conversation! We talked about me forming healthy habits. Like packing my lunch, going to the gym, and eating fruits and vegetables. We talked about the long term goal of being healthy-- not just physically but mentally and spiritually. She asked me how I was doing with the mental part of dieting. And I'll tell you, there is definitely a mental battle that comes with forming healthy habits. 

For those of you who know me best, you would know that I have a tendancy to quit. Something gets challenging and I drop it like a hot cake (which sounds so yummy right now). So for the first time in my life I have stuck to my guns and I'm fighting for what is good for me. Also, if you know me well, you would know that there are somethings that are very hard for me to talk about. And weight is one of those things. 

With that being said, I am so thankful for this blog and the numerous people who have reached out to talk to me about it. It has been so good for me to talk about my weight and about the demons I face with it. Also, please don't hesitate to ask me any questions! And also don't hesitate to tell me to can it if I talk about it too much! (I am expecting a lot of sarcastic remarks after saying that...)

Tonight was a huge victory! A hugeee victory and I hope you will join me in rejoicing! 

Feelin good

Why hello there!

So I thought I'd give a little update as to how I'm doing with this whole losing weight thing. 

It's about 11 days in and I've dropped 3 pounds. Now, to some that may seem like a defeat, I should have atleast dropped 30 by now? (Well, that's how I feel anyway..) haha no! I'm so excited about this! Three pounds in 11 days is good. I'm being healthy and I'm getting into the swing of working out. The adjustment to my diet has been good. However I am craving Chick-fil-a like it is nobody's business. I am also getting tired of eating water-based foods like vegetables and fruit, but it's still going well. 

I've realized that these past couple weeks have been sorta like a detox from fat. My whole life I have loved fatty foods. Anything loaded with grease and cheese- ohhhh man gimme dat. So I have certainly been going through withdrawal. I get cravings, I'm cranky, and all I want is an oatmeal cream pie. Like an addict in rehab, I am detoxing my body. I know that sounds nuts, but I imagine that's exactly how it feels

 I will say this though, I feel so good. My body isn't as tired, I don't feel achy or weighed down. I am getting natural sugars and actual real vitamins. 

Now I would like to talk about something else... Change. This has been a very very big theme so far in 2014. I have gone most of my life eating crappy, not really exercising, and indulging in other immediate "highs" (I think that's the best word to describe it). 

I have personally seen the affects of pour health. When I was in high school my uncle died of lung cancer, my granny had diabetes, and currently my grandma hacks up a lung everytime she coughs. There is one more change I need to make this year, and I am going to confess it, right here, right now. I am going to quit one more thing. Some of you do not know this about me, so it's hard for me to write it out. But since I was 12 years old, I have been smoking cigarettes. Yes, nasty habit, I know (I said that in an English accent btdubs). But like I wrote before, I did what I want when I wanted. And I have seen the terrible affects smoking has on health. So please, no lectures- I know. I know. I grew up around it and it has never bothered me. But I am quitting. 

So, like I said, Change is going to kick my butt this year, but it is time. 

Y'all are great! And thanks for stopping by! 

So long insecurities... my butt!

I will just go ahead and tell you right now, one of the hardest things for me to believe is that I was made perfectly by a Creator and he loves me. 

I have been involved in ministry and have come to know Christ for about 9 years (9 years in June). And I still do not believe that I am good enough for God. I can tell anyone that God loves them, cherishes them, created them, and desires them--but not me. Which is crazy and something I have been working through last year and currently and probably every single day for the rest of my earthly life. 

You know, I have started on this journey in hopes of being fit and healthy and happy. I have never liked the way I look and I was/am reminded of it every day. So this has slowly become more and more about me and my insecurities. And that is where the dirty devil wants to swoop in and make this a control thing. It's day 5 and I don't feel or look any different. And in that twisted little demon's mind, he wants me to give up and believe I'll never be able to accomplish my goal. Now, I am most definitely only writing this post for me. MAURA, YOU WILL NOT LOOK DIFFERENT IN 5 DAYS. Also... Maura, you are beautiful because you were perfectly and carefully created by the God who created sunrises and sunsets. 

This isn't about me. I mean it sorta is, but it's about being confident in who God made me to be. And desiring to strengthen the gift of a body where all of the parts work. 

And that makes me think about the beautiful ministry of Capernaum and the work my dear friends are doing with people who have disabilities. You guys are awesome. 

Anyway, that's it. I know it's a lot of rambling, but now you understand a little bit about how I think. 

God is good and he loves me. Why? Because he knitted me together.

Twenty-thirteen

First of all I want to thank all of you for all of the support! It really has been encouraging and very motivating. I'll say this, it's day 2 and I'm grumpy because all I want are buffalo wings and pizza... But I'm going to find some cool recipes for healthy alternatives.

However, today in this post, I would like to take sometime to reflect on 2013. And I will say this, I AM SO GLAD IT IS OVER. It was a tough year and I had to deal with a lot of shame and guilt. But The Lord was so good to me! He surrounded me with people who were praying for me. And he surprised me with an unbelievable friend. It was around this time last year that my friendship with Mandi (a coworker of mine) blossomed. And it was surprising because you couldn't find two people from two different places in life, who had so much in common. Mostly just our ridiculous sense of humor. The sweetest part about this year and our friendship is that she asked me to be a bridesmaid on New Years Eve. SO SWEET!! 

Anyway, last year my resolution was to go on more adventures. And I would say I more than succeeded in that! I started off by finding local gems around Baltimore city. I spent time in Fells Point and Harbor East. Then I took my adventure west. I visited my best friend, Jacqueline, in Arizona which was fantastic. Then I went on a weekend trip to Seattle a few months later. 

The greatest thing about adventures are that they are so personal. I get to decide whatever I want to be labeled as an adventure. And I crushed it! 

But back to the toughness of 2013. I have never struggled so much in my faith. I believed so many lies about myself and about God. But like I said before, some great friends surrounded me and prayed so hard for me. And I am so grateful for that!! 

Those people helped me recognize that; God actually has an unrelenting desire for my heart and unconditional grace and mercy. I am not good enough, I never will be, but He loves me anyway. And I plan on taking this knowledge with me as I start my new endeavor this year. 

A good guy friend of mine texted me yesterday and said something that was so cool! He described his experience with exercise as a renewing of mind and spirit. 

For girls especially, food is a struggle. And I am going to need The Lord to remind me that he loves me as I am. I don't need to look a certain way. I need to pray that I would constantly bring my insecurities and any doubts before The Lord. 

Anyway, long post. But that was 2013 and it's affects on 2014! 

Rock on with ya bad self! 

This is Seattle! 

The Zona! 

And friggity Fells Point! 

40 in '14

Well, happy new year friends!

This is going to be a good one, I can feel it in my bones. This year my sister is getting married and I have the honor of being her MOH. And I couldn't be more excited! I will say this though, one of the most challenging parts of being in this wedding, like any other wedding, is finding the perfect bridesmaid dresses. Now, I know this is a challenge for every wedding party, but it has been especially challenging to me. I have an interesting body type. And I always have. I am short and stocky (to say the least...the very least). And for so many years of my life, like many other women, I have struggled with body image and self worth. I have tried dieting and exercise, but would quit when I wasn't getting results (or if someone bought a pizza...). 

I digress, the challenge of finding the perfect dress to hide my "curves" has left me feeling a way I have never felt before. I hate shopping, I get defeated and it fuels my self-hatred. But these last few shopping trips have left me more motivated than ever. This year, I will lose 40 pounds, and I will look fabulous! 

So here is my goal: I am going to lose forty pounds and by this summer I will buy my first bikini. I will wear a dress in my sisters wedding, and feel confident in my own skin. 

Here is my game plan: I have joined weight watchers and my family has decided to do a "Biggest Loser" competition. I also will be working out 5 days a week.

Here is why I am writing this blog: I will be held accountable. And I would love for your feedback. And honestly, your encouragement. I would love to get tips on what works for you! But also, I want to show people that obesity and self worth are a real challenge for people. And I am willing to post my weaknesses. Because us "husky" folks need a little lovin too! 

I hope you would join the fight with me as I go from fat to fit. 

Peace, love, and joy to you all! 

This is me on 12-22-13. I am on the far right trying to pull of the "skinny arm"