Our diet starts tomorrow

Do y'all remember those YouTube videos of the guys acting like girls? They're sitting around a table talking about what they ate that day and then simultaneously they all say "our diet starts tomorrow". It's pretty funny actually. 

But this summer I let that be the running joke in my head. "Oh, I'll just crush this pizza tonight and I'll start my diet tomorrow". Yeah... I'm soooooo done with that! Gosh it's crazy to me how old habits are so hard to kick. But I'm back at it again! It's time to finish 2014 strong! And like I said two posts ago, it may be impossible to reach 40lbs this year, it doesn't mean I won't reach it within the next!! 

So my diet started today. And I ate really well, went to the gym with a friend and will be back at it again. It's like most things in life, when at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 

Ok, one last tangent for tonight-

There is this stigma that girls who are constantly trying new diets are just fooling themselves. People think it won't last and they will be eating ice cream and watching Netflix by Friday. I think that's really messed up. Instead of making girls feel like failures for taking a few steps off their diet, we should be more encouraging. So here I am- mrs. I can't stick to a diet- saying to you that it is possible, I've seen it done in a dear friend of mine.  I may have a few too many beers and a late night pizza, but that doesn't mean the desire to be healthy isn't there. 

Ladies with some meat on their bones- don't be ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are beautiful. Focus on your health and the functioning body you have and realize how blessed you are. And do yourself a favor- honor your gift and treat it well. 

to the most gracious person I knew

First, before I even start to talk about my beautiful Grandma, I want to thank everyone who has walked along side my family in the midst of our sorrow. It has truly been a blessing to see all the people who loved my grandma and who love our family. And we are so so so thankful for you. 

For those of you who knew my Grandma, you know that this is probably not going to do her justice. But I have been thinking about who she was in my life and thought I would share a little bit about her. 

My Grandma and I had a very special relationship. Most of my childhood she lived in Florida with my Grandpap (who deserves an article all to himself). They had this relationship that (even at a young age) I knew how in love they were. The way they would look at each other, the way he knew exactly how she took her drink, or when it was time to deal out the cards. You could just see that their infatuation for each other never faded. And he was truly a remarkable man. When he passed away my grandma moved up to Maryland and that is when our relationship changed. 

She is one of the most God-revering people I have ever known. And you could tell that even in the midst of doubt (which we all have) she would put her foot down and call out to her God. I guess because I was the only one in my family who shared her belief, she felt she could talk to me about it. And that was one of the greatest honors I have ever had. In her last few days on this earth I spent a lot of time beside her hospital bed praying, reading scripture, and talking about what Heaven must be like. She told me about a week before she died that she wasn't afraid to go to Heaven, just feared getting there. She told me that all she wanted was to feel the hand of Jesus holding her as she went from this world to the next. And for a while, I feared that he didn't show up, but it wasn't until her last couple hours on earth that I knew. 

I was able to spend some time alone with my grandma while she was in hospice. I prayed over her, pleading that the Lord would hold her in His arms as she was getting ready to "go home". I sobbed uncontrollably, and that was when I felt her squeeze my hand. It was one of those, "Maura, do not fear for me. I know where I am going and I am so ready to rest in the arms of my Savior". As gracefully as she lived, she died. Ask anyone who was there that day, and we would all say the exact same thing. My Grandma died around 5:30, just in time for an evening cocktail with her Jacks. She died when everyone had left hospice to shower and eat and decompress. She was waiting to leave this earth once everyone had gone, because no good Catholic Woman would die in front of her children and grandchildren. Where is the dignity in that? 

This post isn't really going in the direction that I wanted it to, but how do you talk about someone who lost two husbands and a son too early? Who raised 7 children, a school of grandchildren all the while making time for her weekly game of bridge with the ladies? Talk about the socialite. 

But I will tell you right now, this is how I know my Grandmother raised her children with the utmost respect for each other and love of family. In times like these, when the last parent dies and the property needs to be divided, funeral arrangements need to be made, parties need to be hosted; these are the moments when most families go nuts, turn on each other, yell at each other, and ruin relationships. Not my family. Not the Murtagh/Burton's. I have watched 6 kids speak to each other in respect for their mother and share their memories of "mum". Yes, we all have our moments of weakness. But we know why one person may have snapped at another, and we forgive them. Because that is exactly how Grandma raised us.

Today is her funeral. It is going to be a hard day for my family. We are all really sad. So I ask, will you pray for us. Pray that we would be okay with crying, that we would love each other in the midst of sadness, that we would feel comfortable laughing at some of the classic "mum stories". Pray that we would feel a peace that could only come from Jesus. And if you are able, raise a class to Peggy Lou. The woman who was always up for a party. 

Grandma, 

I love you and I miss you. But I know where you are. I am so thankful for you and who you were to this family. Grandma, thank you for teaching me, not just card games and golf, but teaching me how to be obedient to Jesus, how to pray even when you cant, how to be honest when you have doubt. Thank you for teaching me that you can't judge a book by its' cover, teaching me how to share with others, how to love people well, how to share the grace of Jesus with others. I can try to put in to words how you meant to me, but I wouldn't do it justice. I just want you to know that I love you, that you are a remarkable woman, that you have built a lasting legacy in your children, and that you should be so proud of us. I love you and I miss you.

-Maura Moo

Bad habits and dirty tee shirts

Hey there, I know it's been a while and a lot has happened between my last post and this one. My sister got married, summer came and went, I gained a crap ton of weight. And now we start the new school year. Fresh start, right?

Well all, I am really tired of this whole "fresh start" thing. I drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of late night pizzas this summer- which led to the demise of 40 in 14. I'm pretty disappointed in the way I have been eating and my lack of any physical activity. And I am allowed to be disappointed. Here is the thing; I believe that the way you treat your body is how you feel about yourself as a person. I stand by this wholeheartedly. 

Walk with me on this because I have a weird point- a good friend of mine recently told me if I saw my life as a dirty old tee shirt. Of which I responded, what in the world are you talking about? But she said this, if you think about your favorite shirt, the one you wear when you know you look good and feel good. Then you think if you got a huge stain on the front of that shirt, would you be disappointed? The answer, yes. But think about that old ratty work out tee with the holes in it and the caked on deodorant stains, the one you wear when you're cleaning the bathroom or painting. Would it matter if you stained that shirt? No.

So there are two ways of looking at your life. One. What's one more stain to an already gross life. And two, I have value and when I am stained I am allowed to be disappointed but I am still loved. 

So here is the point: I make mistakes. I am still learning how to grow up and take responsibility. I'm learning that the way you treat yourself matters. I'm learning that I see myself as an old dirty tee shirt but I'm not.

I have less than three months to start progressing again. No, I probably will not accomplish 40 in 14, but 20 in 14 isn't bad. I need to be healthy again. I can so clearly see the affects my diet has on my life and something needs to change. So here is to attempt number 207 of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. 

Tomorrow I will restart my journey to a healthy lifestyle: mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. 

H8ers gon h8

Top three

A good chunk of time certainly has flown by. Sorry for being MIA for a bit. 

I was in the midst of finals and wedding festivities that this thing sorta slipped to the wayside. 

Things on this end are alright though! My weight fluctuates like the Hoover Dam (I'm not totally sure that makes any sense...) but it's going! And my sisters wedding is in just a few short weeks.

But right now, I want to take time to talk about somethings I've been learning over these past couple months.

1. Hard work does pay off. 

For the first time in my life I got straight A's! I worked my butt off to do it, but it was so worth it. Also, I freaking love what I'm studying, so that definitely helps. Also for the first time I didn't quit or give in when things became difficult. I stuck with it and pushed through. Sought help when it was needed and prioritized my time. For those of you who knew me college, you would know this is a complete 180!

2. You are what you eat.

When I indulge in crappy food I feel crappy, I act crappy, I do crappy things, and I propel the crappy cycle. When I eat well, my body feels well, I make smarter decisions, and I desire to propel that cycle. Lots of beer and pizza makes me do dumb things. Though both delicious, I tend to feel like crap when I indulge in that. So, I am practicing healthier habits. Like not drinking during the week and avoiding late night snacking even when I am partaking in adult activities.

3. It's easier to see in the light.

This is the biggest and most important thing I have been learning. Recently I have decided to walk in the light with somethings I have kept buried for years. It is what propelled my self hatred, my guilt, and my shame. And as I have taken those steps to bring it to light and start to view it the way God views it, I am learning more and more how deeply loved I am. And that is HUGE. 

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully it won't be another 2 months before my next post! 

Hangry

Alrighty internet world. I have been avoiding you. But with a little encouragement from an old friend, I decided it is time to post something and to be honest. 

I was so confident when I started writing this blog. I didn't care who was going to read it. I didn't care if I repeated myself, or if all I ever talked about was Jesus. I didn't care if I posted about my defeats more than my triumphs.

Then I don't know what happened. I just got really self-conscious. People started reading and judging and I felt awkward being seen out in a restaurant, like people were always watching what I was eating. 

And that is fair, I put my crap out there in the open for people to see. I made myself available to judgement. And that's ok. That's on me. 

So here is the honest truth:

Sometimes we don't meet the goals we set for ourselves. Sometimes the things we are so passionate about can't motivate us enough to deny and obey. And that is the brokenness in us. I was hoping to be at a target weight today and I did not meet my goal by a good ten pounds. I saw it coming and instead of working really really hard this week, I just didn't. And I'm a little ashamed, honestly. This was a huge lofty goal and I quit more often then I stay disciplined. 

But, you know what? I am still proud of myself. I am actually eating better than I have ever in my life. I also feel better. 

So I tried that whole 30 thing for about 7 days. Hardest, most frustrating thing I've ever done in my life, and I was miserable. So I quit. Then I drank about 2 beers and felt like my stomach wanted to kill me. I realized that gluten legitimately is the devil and I will not be partaking (except cookies, because I love them). 

So I am working on it. It's been 4 months, I've lost 16 pounds. And I am creating healthy habits. 

And that's all I have to say about that. 

how colossians 3 kicked my butt.

Friday morning I'm laying in bed trying to figure out how much longer I can sleep before I absolutely have to get out of bed for class, (which is at 11... dont judge me) when one of my very good, God-given friends texted me asking me if I had a second to talk. So, still sleepy eyed and delusional, I said sure. She called me not even moments later to invite me on a women's retread. And I said yes. Mostly because I just felt like this was a "God thing" and I should probably go.

Now if you know me really well, you should know this about me... I am a true cynic at heart. Now, I would go into all of the things that I think are dumb, but I wont do that. My opinion on Christian bookstores and bible covers does not really matter in the grand scheme of life. But I will say, for some reason, I think women's retreats run right along the same lines as those little shepherd and sheep figurines. I think they are soooooooo cheesy. Now, this opinion comes from watching any televangelist on sunday morning tv. The whole, "let's get together, say some corny almost biblical stuff, and cry with a bunch of older women" really isn't my thing.

But God shut me up real quick. I do not know why I told my dear friend Brittany that I would drive up to New Jersey, go to a women's retreat of a church where I know no one, and stay for pretty much an entire weekend. But I did. And holy guacamole was it an unbelievably awesome weekend. (Moral of the story, don't knock it till ya try it)

So here is why this weekend was so significant. A couple days prior I called Brittany and shared some stuff that has been rotting my soul for months. And I thought maybe I was over it, maybe I had learned my lesson, and maybe I could start forgiving myself. But had I punished myself enough, yet?
Brit, being an amazing listener and friend, was very very honest with me. And I guess she felt the Spirit moving to ask me on this retreat.

The retreat was on Colossians 3:1-15. And it is about how, as someone who believes in the mercy and grace of God, how they should live their lives. It looks like a list of does and don'ts. But it is so much deeper than that. We are called to set our hearts and minds on Jesus. That is the only place where our lives will change. I have had so much guilt from things I've done in the past and I was masking it by acting like a good Christian. Threw myself into ministry, bible studies, volunteering at camps, reading and journaling, but I was just masking my guilt with Christian things. And I had no freaking idea!

Seriously, no idea. One time Jacqueline told me to stop trying and just be. And I literally could not comprehend what she was talking about. And now I get it. Just focus and relinquish control and just be. Just be.

I know this will take time and I will constantly have to remind myself that I can't do anything. It has already been done for me.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that little nugget. I have been bursting at the seams wanting to talk to someone about it, so I figure, put it on social media and someone is bound to read it.

baggy pants ain't just for the hood

So, as a few of you may know, I dropped a pant size. You know, nbd. Just down a whole freaking pant size. For anyone who has tried losing weight, you know that this is no easy feat. Also, you would know how scary it is to put the first leg in a pair of pants usually too small for you. It definitely took some cajones to see if they would fit. I was terrified, but here is how I decided maybe it was time.

The last time I looked at a scale I was in Arizona. I weighed myself 2 days in a row, which is a major no-no! Within 2 days I had gained / lossed 2 pounds. So that was weird. But I decided maybe I should stick to weigh ins once a week. Then I came home from AZ and didn't look at a scale because.. well...ladies.. there are just some weeks where we retain water a little more than any other weeks during the year/month... if you catch my drift. So I haven't looked at a scale in about 2 weeks. meh, a little less than that. So without checking the scale, I noticed a pair of pants, that I wear often, started looking a little saggy and baggy and looked terrible. So I went into my mom's room because she has a pair of mustard pants that I covet but they have always been a littttttle toooo snug. But I was thinking, "screw it! I want to wear those!" So I put them on and they fit! So not only are they a size smaller, they are mustard yellow. I don't know if she's going to get them back any time soon...

I haven't been this size in pants since early high school. But don't give me too much credit, I don't really know what size I was in high school because I wore boy pants. That was a totally self-conscious time in my life, so please don't make fun. For those who did not know me in high school, let me give you a little flash back. I wore boys pants, and not emo skinny jeans boy pants. Like men's jeans, men's polos, and sweatshirts. I'm embarrassed even talking about it.

Here is the thing. And we are about to get real. Like really real.
I hated the way I looked in girl's clothes. I hated how tight and low rise the pants were and how tight the shirts were. So, I either wore men's jeans or sweat pants. I had a big personality in high school. Loud and school spirited, and so so insecure. I acted like I had my ish together, but on the inside I feared rejection. So I took it off the table. If boys didn't look at me, then I wouldn't have to talk to them, and I wouldn't get hurt. Sad truth, but there it is.

Thankfully I am still growing out of that weird clothing fad.. hahah! I do wear girl clothes now! PTL. but I do love a good t-shirt and shorts. And I'm not ashamed of that! However, these mustard pants that I stole form my mom, that are a size smaller than I used to wear, that make my butt look fabulous (sorry fellas), I love these pants. And slowly but surely I will find my way in to my first bikini, first pair of heels, first tank top, and be confident in them.

Don't get me wrong, please don't hear me say that this whole journey is about looking "hot". That is a worldly and unhealthy perspective on what I am doing. I am working on being healthy and being happy. I know that as I continue to eat well, train for this half marathon, and stick to not smoking, I will lose weight. I am focusing on health. Spiritual, physical, and mental health. Dropping a pant size is all of those things.

Here is how it is spiritual. Physical and mental are pretty easy to see, but here is spiritual. As I lose weight and gain endorphins my spiritual state about who God has made me to be, how he loves me, how he desires for me to be healthy, that changes. I am not saying that I believe God only loves skinny people, cause thats a bold faced lie and weird. I am saying that God has a desire for his people to be healthy, and as I walk in that truth there is a light on my soul. He has allowed me to walk in to the light.

Please don't hear me say that I am losing weight or being healthy so that my insecurities will go away. That is superficial and unrealistic. I am saying that I am taking steps toward healthy living and toward freedom in Christ.




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