Focus

Well my friends, when I started this whole bliggity-blog thing I promised that I would be honest. I wanted to not only share the victories but also the defeats. So, here we go. 

Since I started I had lost 12 pounds... Then I got cockey and started eating out more, drinking more, and working out less. So I gained about 6 of those back. YIKES! 

I am not going to lie, this is a hard thing to admit. But let's be honest. I lost focus. 

I guess you could say that I  "relapsed". I gave into that immediate satisfaction thing again. And when I would fail, it would be so easy for me to just keep giving in because I had already blown it. 

So here's the thing, how do I get back to business? How do I get back on the sattle and start kicking butt again? 

I need to forget the past and look forward. Fresh start. New day, new opportunity. 

I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself. I will beat myself up until I think it's fair to move on. And as someone who has a relationship with Jesus, you would think all this stuff about grace and mercy and clean slate would resonate in my heart. And I pray that it does. But for some reason I can't get past some things in my life that I've done. I throw all of these things from my past into a giant bucket and let them duke it out until one sin takes the cake and rules my life. I know that I understand the concept of Jesus, you don't have to tell me the gospel, but my heart doesn't believe that it is true for me. 

I have been talking to a dear friend, one I met in one of the toughest seasons of not only my life, but her's as well. And I thank God that we met when we did and were able to pray and talk and be with eachother. She now lives in another state, but I know I can text her any time and she will be there to listen. 

Anyway, I called her yesterday to talk some of this stuff out and it was a hard conversation. But as I think more and more about grace and my pride, I think that if I want to believe God has grace for me, I need to extend it to myself. 

So I will chose to forget the past and focus on what lies ahead. I have a tough road ahead of me, but it is time to really buckle down and get to work. 

34 more pounds to go people! Let's do the dang thing. 

Can you feel the love tonight?

In one of my favorite books/movies there is a quote that I think speaks so much truth about humankind. "We accept the love we think we deserve". I have written about this in one of my very first posts. One of the biggest hardships in my life is that I believe I am unlovable. I believe that I will never be good enough for someone, no, not just someone, but for God. (Don't worry this post does get more optimistic!!!)

I have had my fair share of crushes over the years. I've gone through all the typical stages, the bad boy (my elementary school crush), the "I will completely change who I am for you" crush, (my middle school crush), and the "I'm pretty sure he's perfect for me and we will be married and it will be awesome" crush. Now let me say this, I literally was friends with all of these people, some I still am. And I am so thankful for those friendships. They have taught me a lot about who I am. Well, maybe not my elementary school crush. My middle school crush helped me to figure out what music I like and the clothes I am comfortable in. I learned that Good Charlotte is kind of annoying and New Found Glory and Simple Plan are so nasally it's unreal. I learned that t-shirts and vans are my jam and I will always wear that because I am comfortable in it.
My high school and college crushes were a little more complex. I guess as I got older and saw all of my friends going on dates and thinking about/talking about marriage (thankfully a couple of them are married and they are perfect). But my crushes became serious. And as soon as they would come to me for dating advice for another girl, I knew it would never happen. And that was heartbreaking. I do thank God for protecting me in the midst of those. I learned a lot about what I value in a man, the things that I admire and desire to be apart of my marriage, as well as things that I don't want.

Honestly, I don't think that is a bad thing at all. I want to get married some day, and I think it is smart for me to learn from the men that have been in my life. I think of really good guy friends I have who honor the Lord in the way they live. I think about crushes I've had in the past who have desired their relationships to be a ministry. I look at some of my friend's husbands and the way they honor their wives. I hope that doesn't sound weird, I'm not tryna steal yo boi. I just want a man in my life who seeks the Lord first and can honor me and my heart too. And I have seen these qualities in some really awesome men who have been in and out of my life.

This morning I had a conversation with my mom about dating, and she said that you want to be with someone who you can be totally 100% yourself around. And she is right. I have to be comfortable with the guy I may date and marry some day. Because, I don't dress up. I barely ever wear make-up. I wear stupid thrift store t-shirts. And I like sports/I can get a little too intense when it comes to sports. I also speak in terrible accents. I always take a joke too far, where I just kill it and it is no longer funny. But these are the things that I love about myself and I will never want to change these things for anyone.

Now back to my opening statement. Do you think it's true that we accept the love we think we deserve? I'd say, yes and no. I accepted a love, I know I do not deserve. Every minute of every day I have to remind myself that God loves me. Because if I don't I will become like a paralytic who refuses to stand up. John 5, Jesus is in a very gross part of a city with a bunch of people who were outcasted because they have disabilities. Jesus stands next to a man who has been trying for years to be well and he asks him, "Do you want to be healed?" Kind of a weird question to ask a paralytic... but what if the man said no?
He would have missed out on a love he didn't deserve, but was offered to him anyway.

I think in our brokenness we believe that we accept a love that we deserve. But I think God's holiness tells us he has a love for us that we do not deserve and he is handing it to us. Now, beloved, will you choose to stand up or to continue to lay on the mat? (that is the question I need to ask myself every day).

Mentality

When I was in middle school I went to a YMCA camp with a good friend. I was not looking forward to the trip, mostly because I was an insecure middle schooler, but also because at that time in my life I was the biggest Negative Nancy you could have ever met. Before I left (I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life) my sister came into my room to offer me some uninvited advice (classic Meagan). But it was probably some of the best advice I have ever received. She said, you only get out of an experience what you put in to it. If I wanted to have a crappy time at this crappy camp, I was going to have a crappy time. But if I wanted it to be the trip of a lifetime, then it will be. Unfortunately I was too stubborn to listen to her, so I had a terrible time and I was so homesick. Granted I was 11..

The reason I tell you that story is not only because it was the best advice I had ever received but because it is absolutely 100% true of my life today. Allow me a minute to over share. For those of you who do not know about 6 years ago I found out that I have chronic depression. WHICH IS AWESOMEEEE! haha kidding. totallllly kidding. For anyone who also struggles with depression, my heart breaks for you. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I would not wish it on anyone. I go through seasons of joy and I go through seasons of terrible hopelessness.

We can honestly thank God that he has changed my heart or I would not be here today. I hope you all know that I am writing this not to receive any pity- please please pleaseeeee do not hear me saying that. I am writing it because it is a huge reason as to this years transformation. The habits I picked up fueled my self hatred and my hopelessness. I think I may have depression for the rest of my life, but why would I feed the fire. If I could do some things to help me cope like eating better and exercising, why wouldn't I?

My mentality about everything has to change or I will not succeed in this lofty goal. I have to be excited about the food I am eating or for the stupid gym full of all these people who are in wayyyy better shape than I am. I have to be a motivator for others to be healthy because if I can get excited for someone else then I can be excited for myself.

Last night I had dinner with some dear friends who I haven't seen in years. The Cruz family is one of the sweetest families I have ever met. They are so full of joy and love for one another that it is contagious. So last night, as I was getting ready to leave, Mama Cruz (new nickname, hope you don't mind... if you do, scratch that, Mrs. Cruz) told me she was reading my blog and was so excited for me. And it was so rejuvenating. These past couple weeks I had lost sight of the excitement and started focusing on the chore. I began giving in to some of those old nasty habits. But with a new month comes another chance for grace.

I lost ten pounds last month. I don't know where I lost it from, but apparently I did. So this month, I will lose another ten pounds and I will be excited.

40 in '14 will be an amazing experience if I want it to be. And I so desperately want it to be. So wish me luck, because I need it!

Also, on February 15th I go with all of my sister's beautiful bridesmaids to buy our dresses.. so this just got real!